The Palinguage Guide

That Minority Thing
September 5, 2008

If you’re a minority and you’re selected for a job over more-qualified candidates, you’re a “token hire.”

If you’re a conservative and you’re selected for a job over more-qualified candidates, you’re a “game changer.”

Black teen pregnancies? A “crisis” in black America.

White teen pregnancies? A “blessed event.”

If you grow up in Hawaii you’re “exotic.”

If you grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, you’re the quintessential “American story.”

Similarly, if you name you kid Barack you’re “unpatriotic.”

Name your kid Track, you’re “colorful.”

If you’re a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual, you’re “reckless.”

A Republican who doesn’t fully vet is a “maverick.”

If you say that for the “first time in my adult lifetime I’m really proud of my country” it makes you “unfit” to be First Lady.

If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession, that makes you “First Dude.”

A DUI from twenty years ago is “old news.”

A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is “relevant information.”

If you’re a man and you decide to run for office despite your wife’s reoccurrence of cancer, you’re a “questionable spouse.”

If you’re a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs Syndrome… Well, we don’t know what that is ‘cause THAT’S NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!

If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, you’re a “phoney.”

Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, you’re “well loved.”

If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to “get to know you.”

If you’re white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know you’re “one of us.”

If you give your wife a dap on stage, it’s actually a “terrorist fist jab.”

If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest child’s hair on national TV it’s an “adorable moment.”

Copyright 2008 THAT MINORITY THING